In Case of Zombies with a Side of Fisticuffs

A cautionary tale of how a family full of geeks can carry a thing too far.

On Saturday, my family got together to see the new Star Trek movie, eat homemade pizza, an enjoy the good company. Well, we really just wanted to talk about how cute our babies are, but who can blame us?

Star Trek was great. One of the first scenes is, naturally, a bar fight and I was thinking, “Fisticuffs! No movie is complete without a good bout of fisticuffs!” It made me think that fisticuffs is a wonderful word and highly underutilized. The movie really is great and I loved all the inside jokes for the Trekkies. I appreciated that it explained the universe for the uninitiated. Catch it while you can in the theater or before you get sidetracked by one of the many other great things coming out this summer.

Over delicious pizza, I brought up a very serious topic: What the family plan should be in case of a zombie attack/outbreak*. As soon as I mentioned it, my brother said in jubilation with hands in the air, “Thank you! It is about time someone brought this up!!” He was obviously relieved someone else has been as concerned as he as been. What followed was a detailed discussion on the pros and cons of various plans.

We think the safest place for our family would be the Lake a la Rochester, which is about 3 hours away. If we made it there, we could live out on my parents’ pontoon boat. Obviously, zombies can’t swim, so out on the water would be the best place to hide. We could take excursions to shore to gather supplies as needed.

The problem is that Mr. R and I live on the south side of Houston. I am concerned about getting across the city. Mr. R thinks we can do it if we circumvent some of the major road ways. I observed that, as in hurricane season (which is now upon us! already!) I need to keep the gas tank full in the car. No more getting down to Empty. You never know when you may have to escape a zombie horde. Or a hurricane.

My brother pronounced this plan sound and proceeded to discuss the kinds of shotguns he thinks we would need to repel an attack. While the family Rochester does own several guns among us, (sadly none at my domicile) not one of us has a cricket paddle which served Shaun so well. My brother thinks a double barrel, sawed-off shotgun would be a fun zombie weapon, but my dad countered that gun would only be good at short range. My brother wanted to argue the coolness factor though if you are running for your life from zombies perhaps cool is not the most important fact when choosing a gun.

The conversation went on and by the end I am almost certain that my mother, sister, and father thought the rest of us were crazy. Perhaps. But we will be prepared.

–Jane, we could always resort to fisticuffs

*Mr. Rochester and I started talking about escaping zombies after watching 28 Weeks Later. Not because the movie was good. On the contrary, it was horrible for so many reasons it is hard to describe them all in a way which makes sense because the movie itself is ridiculous and requires the absence of all sane logic and reason. The first movie, 28 Days Later was great. This one, not so much with the good.

6 thoughts on “In Case of Zombies with a Side of Fisticuffs

  • June 2, 2009 at 5:08 pm

    Don’t forget to read the new manual “Pride and Prejudice and Zombies” 🙂

  • June 3, 2009 at 8:59 am

    If one is serious about preparing for the (inevitable?) zombie attack, then it is critical that plans like this be put to the test. Perhaps your next planning meeting should include some tabletop simulations to make sure that there are no flaws in the plan? Luckily there is a zombie planning kit ready for use to help with your planning needs. Last Night on Earth: The Zombie Tabletop Planning Guide (I might be slightly off on the second part of the title) sounds like it could be of great assistance.

  • June 3, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Oh my goodness that game looks awesome!

  • June 3, 2009 at 7:16 pm

    Ha! I almost bought that book for my upcoming vacation. It is definitely on the TBR list.

  • June 4, 2009 at 7:10 am

    I have been trying to come up with an icebreaking exercise to share with my step-siblings, some of whom I haven’t spoken with in… oh… thirty years. Clearly this is it!

  • June 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Fire. Don’t forget that zombies hate fire. It is important to keep that in mind since, even the most armed Smith (and I should know) will eventually run out of ammo. Your emergency zombie kit should be fortified with several cans of AquaNet hairspray and no less than three lighters (in case the first two fail on you in a pinch). It is very important to remember that once you have lit the home-made flamethrower to not let up on the nozzle, thus requiring the user to re-light the weapon. And bonus, once a zombie is on fire he is sure to ignite other zombies in his path.

    It is comforting to know that some of my friends will survive the impending zombie attack.

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