faith – A Wandering Eyre

June 18, 2015June 21, 2015

Naming Mountains

When I set out to name the place that my harpies would live, I wanted it to have meaning and sound like a western town. In Greek myths, the harpies are banished to the islands of Strophades, which means the isles of turning or returning. Thus, Turning Creek, the place where each harpy must make a choice about her future, was named.

I struggle with naming the mountains more than anything else. More than the names of characters. Definitely more than the names of the books themselves.

I can only conclude it is because mountains are, by far, my favorite topographical feature. Most of the names of the mountains are slight variations on real peaks in Colorado and Wyoming. Pikus Peak. Baldy. Lady’s Favor. Atlas’s Peak. The Twins. Shaker’s Way. They all pay homage to real mountains found in one of the best regions of the US.

Only one name was borrowed from a real place: Silvercliff.

Nestled in the middle of Colorado, down the road from the small towns of Buena Vista and Nathrop, there is a camp called Silver Cliff Ranch. It sits at the base of a cliff face called Silvercliff, named for the grey rock which makes up its exposed face.

For the past two years, I have spent a week at Silver Cliff with high school students from my church. I could tell you hilarious stories of shenanigans, touching tales of how students stepped forward to love each other, or amazing ways God has used five short days to impact the lives of the people on the trip.

All the stories would never do the place or the people justice. It is a cherished place in a state that I love.

In the Turning Creek books, Silvercliff is Dora’s home. Dora, who is the most introspective and sensitive of the harpies, lives near the peak of the mountain named for a place that has changed many lives. It is fun, as an author to pay homage to things that hold weight in my life.

In a few short days, I will board the bus again and head to Silvercliff. I will wake up in the mornings and watch the sun rise from a fallen log on the mountain. I will hear the birds sing and the crisp air will remind me that I am home.

Nothing is better than a sunrise in the mountains.

May 22, 2015May 21, 2015

Sometimes, We Cry Over the Silliest Things

For Mother’s Day, I shared a snippet of my journey through being a mom of a baby in the NICU. I thought I had faced most of those demons, but we defrosted our fridge last weekend.

When I came home from Texas Children’s Hospital, the Milk Bank sent me home with over 100 bottles of breastmilk I had pumped while staying at the hospital. They represented hours of work and tears. I put them all in the chest freezer. We did not use bottles and they all just sat there. I knew the effort that I had put into those bottles, so I started looking into donating them. It turns out that donating breastmilk is not at all easy to do. Nearly impossible, which is very sad.

Then, Hurricane Ike made an appearance.

We live less than four miles from the coastline and, while we may be at the high point in our neighborhood, we are always in one of the first zones to evacuate. We went north to safety with our four month old baby in tow. Our house was fine, but the electricity went out for about 24 hours. The chest freezer contents were alright, but I did not want to take a chance on the milk if it had even defrosted a little. I had to throw it all out. It was difficult, but I did it.

There was this one bottle though, wedged in a corner and cemented in ice. It would not budge and I left it there.

Seven years later, it was time to defrost the freezer. Past time, actually. I unloaded all the other contents and there was that bottle. I had forgotten it was there, covered up by some cranberries and juice from the lemon tree. It was wedged tight, still. I turned off the freezer and waited. A couple hours later, I knelt down, pulled out the bottle, and took it inside.

I put it on the counter.

I never could fill these things up by pumping. I'm in awe of working moms who do. — I never could fill these things up by pumping. I’m in awe of working moms who do.

The label has his name, medical number (which I had memorized after a few days because I wrote it so often), the date (6/2/08), the time (8am), and medications (which I never listed because I was too tired to write advil every dang time).

I moved it around the counter.

I carried it around the kitchen. I put it in the fridge. I took it out. I put it back on the counter. I looked at it all day.

I could not throw it away.

That night, I was washing dishes, looking at it sitting on the counter, and I started to cry.

That bottle was hours of sitting in a curtained off space in the Milk Bank at Texas Children’s. It was oceans of tears shed while I begged God for the life of my son or the fortitude to survive if he did not. It was words of prayer sent up. It was almost seven weeks of sleeping at the hospital, going to the Milk Bank every 3 hours without fail to pump. It was mastitis and wondering if I was making an effort for nothing. It was pain and heartache.

That bottle was realizing that my baby might live. It was falling in love with Mr. R all over again as he read C.S. Lewis to our boy who we had never yet heard cry. It was holding Gideon for the first time when he finally got off ECMO and was stable. It was rejoicing when I was able to feed him for the first time. It was joy and peace.

That bottle is still sitting in my fridge. Mr. Rochester asked me today if I wanted him to throw it out. I said no. I think I will pour out the milk and save the bottle.

I want to be reminded of that time. I want to remember the tears and the joy. I want to look at it and remember to be thankful for what I have been given because it is a blessing, that child that lived against all odds. I want to remember what it feels like to be cast into the fire and come out refined. I want to remember so I will remember to share my story.

Sometimes we cry over silly things and sometimes we remember why we are blessed by those tears.

May 15, 2015

Making a Better To Do List

I am not the most organized person owing mostly to the fact that I like piles. Piles of paper. Piles of books. Piles of stuff. My secret organization technique is to leave something in a nice pile for a few months, go through it, realize most of it is too old to be useful, and throw it away. Mr. Rochester does not approve of this.

The one thing I do that is organized is keep a To Do list. Honestly, who does not love crossing things off a list with a fist pump into the air every time you finish a chore? Sad people, that’s who.

About a month ago, a friend pointed me to a To Do list created by Ann Voskamp. (You have to sign up for her newsletter to download the PDFs, annoying, but effective.) I loved that her To Do list had different sections because I often found myself making multiple lists for different things. I decided to try out the list for a month, see what I liked, and what I wanted to change.

What I loved about Ann’s lists:

Menu: I make a weekly meal plan but it was nice to list out the meal for the day on my daily list. It helped me double check ingredients in case the boys had consumed all the milk, cheese, everything in the pantry since I made the weekly menu and went to the store.

She has a section that includes a memory verse, a relationship you were working on, and doxology (a place to write what you are thankful for). These three sections helped me be intentional about what verse or chapter of the Bible I was reading that day, who I wanted to pray for or pay special attention to, and giving thanks for the very many blessings I have in my life.

There is a section for “The Day’s Dire,” things that absolutely must get done that day in addition to a regular To Do list. There is also a timeline for the day so you know if your list is longer than the hours you actually have.

What I did not find useful:

Ann lists Daily To Dos and Domestic To Dos separate from other To Dos. It annoyed me to have my To Dos in so many places. I also never used the “Dailies” list because how disheartening is it to write dishes, laundry, pick up. Every. Single. Day. Just thinking about it makes me sad. Writing it down makes me want to cry. Daily housework sucks out my soul and I did not need to be reminded of that monster eating me bite by bite. The Domestic To Dos list was annoying in the same way but I just disliked having them in a different place. Laundry and vacuuming are not on a different priority level than running errands so I wanted them all together. If I do not go to the store, we starve. If I do not vacuum, the dust bunnies revolt against their human overlords. Either way, we die a horrible death.

I never used the area for workout, food log, or water intake. I do not currently work out and I feel no guilt whatsoever about this.

New and Improved, for Me

I created a new Daily Lists sheet this morning (link goes to a pdf of the form below). It includes everything I liked about Ann’s list and got rid of the things I did not need.

I changed “Memory Verse” to The Word. I like to read the same sections or chapters for a week or so at a time, then move on. While I was testing Ann’s lists out, I was (and still am) reading through Galatians, one chapter a week at a time. I kept the work “Doxology” because it reminds of singing the Doxology in the church I grew up in. It also reminds me that while I am to be thankful for blessings I have been given, they have also been given to be used, not hoarded.

I put all the To Dos together. The items that are pressing for the day are starred and at the top.

I bought a cheap clipboard, covered it in purple owl duct tape, and viola. I have a fun new way to keep my daily life organized.

One Caution: No matter how many lists and plans you make, remember to always be flexible. Every day has it’s own surprises and we need to be mindful when we are called to change our plans in service to God and others.

Happy list making.

May 10, 2015

I Was Never Sure I’d Get Here: a Mother’s Day Post

I spent my first Mother’s Day as a mom as Texas Children’s Hospital. At the time, I had never heard my baby cry. I had only heald him briefly for a picture before he was hooked up to machines that beeped and keep him alive. It was days after Mother’s Day happened before I knew if I would ever spend another Mother’s Day with that precious child. I tried to be thankful that first Mother’s Day, but I did a lot of tearful praying and sometimes just in tears.

By the grace of God, that boy, Gideon, did come home eventually, healthy and ready to conquer the world.

Seven years later, I know have two boys, no longer so small as I think they are, who fill my life with laughter and the kind of shenanigans only boys can dream up.

I'n not sure what's more adorable, the turtle or those two boys. — I’n not sure what’s more adorable, the turtles or the boys.

Being a mom has been harder than I ever dreamed it would be and more rewarding than I imagined possible. Being a mom has made me a better person, though admittedly, I get by most days by the skin of my teeth and a large dose of God’s grace.

Mother’s Day is hard for some and joyful for others. If you are a mom, I hope you are showered with extra blessing today. If you are not a mom or if your mom is not here for you to hug, I hope you find someone to hold tight today and share a laugh with because this day is really about how we love each other. May your day be overflowing with love.

I never thought I would get to this place, but I am so thankful and happy I am here.

June 19, 2014June 18, 2014

Whatever the Circumstance

This is part of an ongoing series of devotionals for writers.

Not that I speak from want; I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. – Paul writing to the Philippians 4:11

I am stuck in the middle of revisions. I have been floundering since I started this step in the writing process. My brain, which normally has no problem with words, has turned to mush. Needless to say, I have not been content in my writing life.

A couple of weeks ago, I attended the launch party for Chasing the Lion. This book and its author had a long way to publication. Nancy Kimball is one of the most amazing ladies I know and I am truly blessed to have her as a friend. I smiled all day for her and for many days after. She reminds me that no road is easy, but we still have to make the right choices and be thankful.

At Nancy’s party, I was also able to reconnect with other authors I know and meet some new ones. We are all at different stages in our lives and careers, but we have two things in common: a love of the written word and a love for the Lord. These encounters reminded me why I write. They each, in their own way, encouraged me to persevere. I had forgotten, in my battle with revisions, to be thankful for where I am.

I have everything to be thankful for and I neglected in the past weeks to find contentment in my circumstance. When I pause to consider where I started, how far I have come, and where I have yet to go, I am excited and thankful. I am content.

For you: In what ways have you let daily frustrations rob you of contentment? What can you be thankful for today?

For your characters: When they face a frustration, what is their reaction? How do they handle a situation for which they feel unequipped? What will it take to make your character feel contentment or even joy in their circumstance?

May 8, 2014May 8, 2014

Whom shall I fear?

This is part of an ongoing series of devotionals for writers.

The Lord is my light and my salvation;
Whom shall I fear?
The Lord is the defense of my life;
Whom shall I dread?
When evildoers came upon me to devour my flesh,
My adversaries and my enemies, they stumbled and fell.
Though a host encamp against me,
My heart will not fear;
Though war arise against me,
In spite of this I shall be confident.
Psalm 27:1-3

Memorizing scripture comes up often enough in different classes I have taken over the years. My response has always been, “I don’t want to,” which is a terrible attitude in general. A close friend memorized the entire book of James last year and she said it changed her life. It was the last nail in the coffin of my excuses.

I am starting with what has come to be my life’s verse, or rather verses. Some people claim a verse, I claim the entire chapter 27 of Psalms, as my guide. I know it is a bit excessive, but each part has resonated with me at different times. Last week, I started with the first verse of my favorite Psalm.

“Whom shall I fear?”

We fear many things, some real, some imagined. I am scared of the dark, still at thirty-six, and I find myself walking faster through dark halls. I am scared of my own failings, that I will allow my faults to define who I am becoming.

We fear death, our own and of those we love. We fear pain and failure. Sometimes, we fear the truth and the consequences it holds. We fear the scars and baggage we carry from our past experiences. Our entire lives can be wrapped in fear of one thing or another.

Fear has the ability to rob us of what we should be enjoying. It robs us of peace and thankfulness.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation…”

Faith is our light in the darkness. It is our salvation in a world bursting with things to fear. Our anxiety and fears should be handed over the the Lord because all we have comes from Him. In Him, we can find strength and courage to face what comes for us.

I am still afraid of the dark most nights, but I know where my strength comes from.

For you:

What fears are keeping you from living your full life? Turn them over to God and look for one way to step out of our fear this week.

For your character:

What is their greatest fear? What is the origin of this fear? Are they forced, over the course of the plot, to confront their fear? When presented with the opportunity to overcome it, do they? If not, what are the consequences for them and for others?

April 24, 2014April 24, 2014

Gathering Fruit

This is part of a series of devotionals for writers.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other. -Galatians 5:22-26

I will be honest. I struggle with this passage. All these things, these fruits which are the natural out flowing of our love for the Lord, are hard for me.

I struggle with loving people who are mean. I struggle to find joy in an afternoon of housework. I struggle to have forbearance, also known as patience, every moment of every day. I struggle to be kind to people who say hurtful things. I struggle with having faith when the process becomes long and hard. I struggle with being gentle when my spirit tells me to charge in and take control. I struggle with keeping my big mouth shut when a little self control would save me from some apologies later.

It is hard to harvest these fruits.

I can say though that I am better than I used to be. I have more patience than I used to when presented with an opportunity to be impatient. I choose to keep my mouth shut more often. I have more self-control. I find more moments in my day where I notice the peace, joy, and love around me and then I turn and show that to others with my words and actions.

I do not always choose the right thing, but I make better choices more often than I used to. I will never be perfect, but God does not ask perfection of me. He only asks that I try with my whole heart and that I improve over time. He asks that, in striving towards Him and becoming like Him, I grow into a better version of myself.

For you: Are you making better choices today than five years ago? If yes, say a prayer of thanksgiving and ask for new ways you can change and grow. If not, what one small thing can you do this week to make a change?

For your character: What thing on this list of fruits is hardest for them and why? Does the plot force them to confront their fault and do they grow as a result? Do they lose something, a relationship or opportunity, because of this fault? How do they deal with the loss?

March 27, 2014

Choosing Love

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:29-32

Jesus told us to love one another. Paul is imploring the Ephesians in this passage to “be kind and compassionate, forgiving each other.” We are told again and again we are to love, forgive, and be kind. We are told often because we fail so often at these things which we know to be right. We know treating others with compassion and love is the best way to live and yet we choose other ways. We choose bitterness, rage, anger, malice, and slander. We choose things which tear down, break other’s spirits, and ultimately hurt ourselves in the process.

Someone comes along who tries our patience. Our children throw tantrums and work on every last nerve we own. People we love hurt us. People we do not know wound us. Life is full of hurts and pains and yet we are asked to react opposite of our sinful natures.

Love each other when there is no reason to do so. Forgive each other when the hurts are great. Build each other up. Show compassion when it is unasked for. These are the actions which should set believers apart and yet so seldom do because we fail to be obedient to our calling. Choose obedience today and love someone you encounter.

For you: In what ways are failing to be obedient to God by not showing love, compassion, or forgiveness to another?

For your characters: When confronted with a person who is hard to love, how do they react? With impatience, kindness, or stony silence? When your character is hurt by another, do they forgive easily or hold a grudge? Does your character have a past hurt which has caused a festering bitterness in their life? Are they aware of this bitterness or has it crept into their life over time?